Filed under: Feminism, Sex | Tags: exhibitionism, Feminism, masturbation, sexpo, sexuality, wanking
I wrote about this at the time, but can’t find my original transcript so this is going to be written entirely from memory. So any of my friends who might remember the original story will have to forgive any embellishments or omissions!
In 2007, when I had only been living in Melbourne for about seven months, I went to Sexpo Australia with my partner at the time. It was pretty tacky for the most part, oceans of stalls selling overpriced sex toys but we’d never been to anything like this before and I think we were resolved to having a good time.
So we walked around wearing red, fuzzy handcuffs (ah so gloriously vanilla!), checking out the $2 peepshows, riding on the sexy ghost train (there really was one!) and talking with various stallholders about their wacky wares. It was fun! Anyone who knows me knows I’m fascinated with kitsch and especially the way we make the sexual experience into a kitsch one.
At some point during the day, we came across a stall with some very strange contraptions indeed – I believe they were either Sybians or Sybian imitations. To me, at the time, they just looked like ridiculous, vibrating boxes with nubs attached to them. While we were wondering over these weird, ugly boxes a salesman came up and asked me if I’d like to try one, to which I politely declined and quickly walked away. The whole thing struck me as a tad seedy.
However, later on we passed the same stall and noticed that a crowd had gathered. A fully clothed woman was sitting on one of the machines, bright red face screwed up and looking utterly gleeful. Very shortly, she brought herself to climax and then had a dazed, shocked expression as the salesmen helped her stand up and get off. At this point, the intrigue got the better of me and as the crowd dispersed, I went up to the machine for a closer inspection. Once again, I was offered the chance to try and this time I thought “What the hell?” and clambered on, fully clothed.
One of the salesmen, wrinkled beyond his years, explained to me how to press myself against the powerfully vibrating nub on top of the machine: “Put yer clit here, darlin’”. I was shocked by the power of the vibration but didn’t instantly feel anything in the way of sexual excitement; it was all too strange… but gradually, the tingling that had only recently become familiar begun to take over and, well, I sort of started humping the thing! Still, I’m usually pretty awkward and uncomfortable in social situations (social anxiety is a constant struggle for me) so I was fluctuating between arousal due to intense sensations, and then bursting into nervous laughter as I realised that a rather large crowd was gathering.
I remember making a lot of jokes with the salesmen while this was happening. I remember being on there for so long that one of the men asked my partner “Is she ok? She can stop if she wants to!” to which I cried out “Do I have to?” The man laughed “Not at all!” I remember one of the salesmen suggesting to my partner “Bite her neck,” to which he kindly obliged. I remember wondering “What the fuck am I doing? I’m in public!” and vaguely wondering why I was allowing myself to be exploited… then, eventually, laughing and gripping my partner’s leg, I came.
I stop up, red faced and sweaty, on shaky legs and realised just how big the crowd of people was. I weakly raised my hand and the crowd fucking cheered! I kid you not! My partner and a salesman then helped me to a chair where I was given some free toys – though obviously not a Sybian!
I remember walking away from that feeling excited, aroused, amazed at my own bravery, and ready for more new experiences.
Reflecting on my very public wank…
I’ve been thinking about that experience a lot lately and about the exhibitionist I acknowledged within myself that day. While the setting was somewhat seedy, the experience was ultimately liberating for me because I felt in control and as if I was breaking down some of my own barriers, a challenge I always enjoy.
The only other similar experiences I’ve had since have been making films for Beautiful Agony and I Feel Myself, but being in front of a camera which you control yourself is a different experience to being in front of a live audience. I admit that only once, so far, have I ventured to any sort of sex club; a BDSM club a couple of years ago and while I enjoyed being a voyeur, at that point I was not game enough to step up myself – nor did I have any idea of how to initiate such a thing.
So it’s occurred to me that I feel very much ready for some new adventures. Perhaps that will be my mission over the upcoming summer months. We shall have to wait and see.
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