Feminism. Art. Porn. Sex.

The Accidental Exhibitionist
September 1, 2010, 9:57 pm
Filed under: Feminism, Sex | Tags: , , , , ,

I wrote about this at the time, but can’t find my original transcript so this is going to be written entirely from memory. So any of my friends who might remember the original story will have to forgive any embellishments or omissions!

In 2007, when I had only been living in Melbourne for about seven months, I went to Sexpo Australia with my partner at the time. It was pretty tacky for the most part, oceans of stalls selling overpriced sex toys but we’d never been to anything like this before and I think we were resolved to having a good time.

So we walked around wearing red, fuzzy handcuffs (ah so gloriously vanilla!), checking out the $2 peepshows, riding on the sexy ghost train (there really was one!) and talking with various stallholders about their wacky wares. It was fun! Anyone who knows me knows I’m fascinated with kitsch and especially the way we make the sexual experience into a kitsch one.

At some point during the day, we came across a stall with some very strange contraptions indeed – I believe they were either Sybians or Sybian imitations. To me, at the time, they just looked like ridiculous, vibrating boxes with nubs attached to them. While we were wondering over these weird, ugly boxes a salesman came up and asked me if I’d like to try one, to which I politely declined and quickly walked away. The whole thing struck me as a tad seedy.

However, later on we passed the same stall and noticed that a crowd had gathered. A fully clothed woman was sitting on one of the machines, bright red face screwed up and looking utterly gleeful. Very shortly, she brought herself to climax and then had a dazed, shocked expression as the salesmen helped her stand up and get off. At this point, the intrigue got the better of me and as the crowd dispersed, I went up to the machine for a closer inspection. Once again, I was offered the chance to try and this time I thought “What the hell?” and clambered on, fully clothed.

One of the salesmen, wrinkled beyond his years, explained to me how to press myself against the powerfully vibrating nub on top of the machine: “Put yer clit here, darlin’”. I was shocked by the power of the vibration but didn’t instantly feel anything in the way of sexual excitement; it was all too strange… but gradually, the tingling that had only recently become familiar begun to take over and, well, I sort of started humping the thing! Still, I’m usually pretty awkward and uncomfortable in social situations (social anxiety is a constant struggle for me) so I was fluctuating between arousal due to intense sensations, and then bursting into nervous laughter as I realised that a rather large crowd was gathering.

I remember making a lot of jokes with the salesmen while this was happening. I remember being on there for so long that one of the men asked my partner “Is she ok? She can stop if she wants to!” to which I cried out “Do I have to?” The man laughed “Not at all!” I remember one of the salesmen suggesting to my partner “Bite her neck,” to which he kindly obliged. I remember wondering “What the fuck am I doing? I’m in public!” and vaguely wondering why I was allowing myself to be exploited… then, eventually, laughing and gripping my partner’s leg, I came.

I stop up, red faced and sweaty, on shaky legs and realised just how big the crowd of people was. I weakly raised my hand and the crowd fucking cheered! I kid you not! My partner and a salesman then helped me to a chair where I was given some free toys – though obviously not a Sybian!

I remember walking away from that feeling excited, aroused, amazed at my own bravery, and ready for more new experiences.

Reflecting on my very public wank…

I’ve been thinking about that experience a lot lately and about the exhibitionist I acknowledged within myself that day. While the setting was somewhat seedy, the experience was ultimately liberating for me because I felt in control and as if I was breaking down some of my own barriers, a challenge I always enjoy.

The only other similar experiences I’ve had since have been making films for Beautiful Agony and I Feel Myself, but being in front of a camera which you control yourself is a different experience to being in front of a live audience. I admit that only once, so far, have I ventured to any sort of sex club; a BDSM club a couple of years ago and while I enjoyed being a voyeur, at that point I was not game enough to step up myself – nor did I have any idea of how to initiate such a thing.

So it’s occurred to me that I feel very much ready for some new adventures. Perhaps that will be my mission over the upcoming summer months. We shall have to wait and see.

3 Comments so far
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Hey, I remember this story from your journal :) I remember a LOT going on then–you were ultra excited about SO much regarding Melbourne, your first maybe persquaremeter (or something like that) rentspace exhibit was up in the air, your parents were moving to PNG… And it was around the same scary time I had my super frightening surgery that I took you–in the form of your lovely thoughts and slightly addictive(okay okay I positively GUSH over it, like you on a Sybian gush, even!) voice in my very worried head (believe me, it helped!)–with me to…

All to say wow time both flies and freezes and we both grow, mature, whatever and more often stay the same and do what I think *real* maturing is: our passions focused, we grow enough to be able to unleash the happy, SILLY beings we are, to not be humiliated by the natural curiosity in all things, be them a but messy, morbid, downright grotesque… Instead of the tendency to give in to pressures to be modest or pretend we are “better than” humanity, better than sleazy thoughts and explicit desires (okay so SOME desires–the pedo kind you and I both are typical prey to, us&religious school victims)… We mature into a silly beauty and we can proudly wear on our sleeves the traits society would have us feel shame over.

BY THE WAY… Are you submitting anything to HUMP this year?? I live in its hometown, and what I would PAY to proudly say “oh yeah, I KNOW that porn star, and man is she one hot, sexy, sultry, sticky, seductive, sophisticated, sassy, and also sweet, sympatico, silly, shining, starry-eyed, shy, smart, and sometimes spastic, sullen, or sloppy… SuperStar.”

You are Lady Gaga with a better accent & better curves, Poppet all grown up and realized, and overwhelmingly awesome. The ONLY thing I dislike=having to pay to see your webcam feelself productions (it feels like they are prostituting people under the guise of liberation when it is probably 99% men jerking off that buy it–“create a COMMUNITY with a mission to free the oppressed, and we can claim morale in this sexcapade of subscription based ‘FREEdom'” is how I sometimes envision the site leaders in their corporate offices… “small enterprise” possibly run as most–under an umbrella of a big company only stock holders know about. That isn’t a criticism of YOU, kinda the opposite: I want to see the work you put out there and feel somewhat cheated by a site profiting off you (I am anti-establishment about many of these things, so I was relieved/refreshed when you found an ETHICAL porn company to work for–even though they get less of you as HURRAH(!) you MAKE IT out there (believe me, my nerves twitched a while here & there worrying how my favorite 2 people from NZ — both in Melbourne now–would survive. I worry the same about myself of course… But I never doubted your ability, just the industry-slash-economy.)

Oh: look up DON FARRELL. Not porn though some is explicit… Just fucking great paintings and sculpty and carvy works. (I still remember the Wairiki(sp?) class where you had a chainsaw and played with ridiculously difficult wood carving yourself–a million years ago, huh?ok, like 5… But I was proud then, am proud now, am proud always… Just needed to remind you of that. You are one of the most incredible über-everything-awesome people ever. E.V.E.R.

Comment by Laura (USA)

On the Feck forums lots of contributors have complained about how bad and unimaginative dancing clubs are and expressed interest in doing a different kind of live dancing and performance that’s creative. Perhaps a one night performance wiuth an ISM 3 part doc. Just an idea.

Comment by Jake

Hey, darling, I’ve been thinking of going to one of the BDSM clubs and looking them up, something like the Chains? Which one did you go to? We can try doing a double date as we discussed a long time ago. Or even get a bigger group and let our inner exhibitionists out for a field trip:)

Comment by Lola

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