Feminism. Art. Porn. Sex.

My Gaze
March 17, 2012, 3:26 am
Filed under: Art, Feminism, Porn, Sex | Tags: , , , , , , ,

Wow, it has been a long time since I’ve done a decent update here. Over a year later, I am still struggling with my RSI and am now resigned to the fact that this is not an injury that heals quickly as there is no exact cure, rather treatment is a gradual process and can take a very long time. Part of learning to properly deal with an injury is to accept it and as part of that acceptance, I have finally started to train myself to use voice dictation software which I am gradually becoming more comfortable with. This blog entry is actually being written in Dragon Dictation so I apologise if the tone is a little strange, I’m still getting used to doing this.

To be honest, my injury has had a hugely negative impact on my self-esteem as I have spent a great deal of time feeling helpless and useless. Unfortunately, my poor self-esteem has also manifested itself in my body image and it’s been a long time since I felt really sexy or attractive. Like most women, my body does not match current ideals of beauty and as such I often struggle to feel comfortable in my own skin at the best of times but lately I just feel… utterly undesirable.

Tonight I was feeling especially bad about myself, my body, everything. Then I remembered something a friend said to me the other night “it’s like the way you see yourself is completely different to how everybody else sees you”. My bad habit is usually to instantly brush off compliments or reassurances from those who care about me, believing them to be saying it just to make me feel better… However, tonight I wondered if I could try to see myself with fresh eyes, less critical eyes and then I thought of my camera.

When I am using my camera, I look at things in a new way and this also applies to my body. I was not happy when I was taking these photos but I felt a sort of intensity viewing them afterwards… an almost erotic appreciation of myself that I have not experienced in a long time. Yes, I still find myself being incredibly critical of my percieved flaws but framed by the camera lens and put into the context of “art”, I can rediscover the beauty in those “imperfections”.

It’s almost 3AM here and I’m having trouble expressing myself in words so I’m simply going to share some of the photos and perhaps they might communicate something of the experience I went through taking them tonight.

Tonight I confronted myself in the mirror and in the camera… Tonight I am realising that I really do need to learn how to be less cruel to myself.

(By the way, in the slideshow the photos seem to be compressed but if you click “permalink” it will take you to a high quality image.)

11 Comments so far
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It’s lovely to read a post from you – it seems Dragon Dictation has improved immensely from when I saw it being trialled at a tech expo a few years back (and I’m delighted there’s such a product, that you’re able to use).

And those photos …. wow. They’re all stunning, but #9 is one of my favourite pics of the month!

xx Dee

Comment by Curvaceous Dee

It’s far from perfect and honestly, I still get quite frustrated with it but it’s definitely an improvement over nothing! And thankyou so much, means a heap coming from you. xoxox

Comment by Nio

OOhhMG!! you shouldn’t feel unsexy your fucking gorgeous!!! Your petite lovely curves and soft skin aren’t going to be characterised as unsexy by anyone. I love skinny but I love Dee’s hot randomosity http://curvaceousdee.tumblr.com/ There’s a diversity of hotness and you are hot. It’s not something I say to make people feel better, but because it’s true and if it doesn’t make them feel better it’s still true.

It”s lovely to hear from you as for me you only exist online. Nice to see your getting on OK with the dictation software. just about everyone I know has physical problems with the computer interface. Myself I can’t wait for the kinect camera to be able to control a Mac by waving my arms around. Or any body movement set by me so there’s a variety and arobicality (if that’s a word :) ) to working on a computer.

Be lovely to hear more from you through the dictation software, as you have something to say and the things you’ve said so far here can really help other people. I value your presence greatly on the net, so if you can be around online in a way that still helps you recover from RSI, that would be fabulous.

Much love

Comment by Jake

Jake, thankyou very much for the words of support. I hope to make a gradual return as I work out a sustainable workflow for me. :)

Comment by Nio

I love the pics!!

Comment by Jake

Wow, what intensely beautiful photographs! 6 and 7 look as if you took a proper renaissance painting and turned the perspective around so that instead of the painter, it’s the subject doing the voyeurism … 10, too… I want a mix of the vertical, mirror-floor showing perspective of 9 but the body pose of 10… regardless, they’re all delicious! Something about your eyes in 4 remind me of … some movie protagonist, but I can’t for the life of me place the eyes with that expression on anyone but you now that your “those, ma’am, are NOT soggy oranges… [points to own ass] THESE are soggy oranges” buttocks have cranked my heart rate up another 30 beats a minute, my mouth another 6 drops of saliva per second. If you weren’t legitimately HOT I wouldn’t have a legitimate “Rove who would you go gay for” crush on you for what, 9 years now? I mean, guys can get away with looking a bit dorky because they’re guys–as a fellow female, I’m too self-critical to lie to someone about looks! You and I have both “filled out” over the years, and dang, I don’t think I can brave a mirror with a camera like you, but you definitely, DEFINITELY wear the curvy lushness so very well, whereas I can legitimately call *mine* saggy and soggy, especially seeing your very ripe tantalizing figure!

Comment by Laura in Amurikur

Great post. I loved your pictures. I think this kind of thing can really help others that are feeling the same way. They reminded me that I can be sexy too even when I feel I’m not.

Comment by Olga Wolstenholme

Oh I’m glad to hear that, I’m definitely a fan of body positive actions that show a myriad of different body types and how beautiful they all can be.

Comment by Nio

Damm Lady, I don”t believe you realy don’t know that you are hot! Are your eyes really that green? They take my breath away! Every part of you seems to be sooo sensual. Now, think about this. You are obviously very smart and talented and add in gorgeous! Anyone would be proud to be able to share their time and emotions with you. Rob

Comment by Rob

It’s strange how much of this unattractiveness is in our head. As in I find you really beautiful and glowing every time I see you, and I’ve been thinking you look more attractive in the past year, more free, less tired, maybe I’m making it up but I was thinking wow Jessie is getting more beautiful with time (u were beautiful before just seem more so) and here you are talking of negative body image. You are very brave with these photos and your bravery and openness make you super hot. As well as boobs, skin, hair, eyes, and sparkly unicorns living in your pubic hair:)

Comment by Olya

Awww, thankyou Olya. xoxox

Comment by Nio

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