Feminism. Art. Porn. Sex.


Guest Post: Sex worker Verses Pro Domme: “She’s just a hooker with a Whip”
June 13, 2011, 10:35 pm
Filed under: Feminism, Sex | Tags: , , , , , ,

A friend of mine and woman who I admire very much, Mistress Avika, wrote an article recently that I really enjoyed and asked if I could repost here. She was generous enough to oblige and so you’re lucky enough to be able to hear her intelligent, informed and interesting point of view.

Sex worker Verses Pro Domme: “She’s just a hooker with a Whip”
By Mistress Avika. 

Sex is a touchy subject around professional Dominas, Mistresses and ‘old school’ slaves. It is frequently said that  Mistresses who have sex with their slaves, bottoms, subs or erotic adventurers are not real Dommes. That a woman who does that is “just a hooker with a whip” and can’t possibly also deeply understand other reasons for engaging in BDSM. I disagree.

This issue arises from a complex set of ideas and opinions that has its basis in some real and valid ideas as well as some outdated sexism and sex negative prejudice. I seek ways to honor the valid reasons at the same time recognise and address the limiting and unhelpful aspects of the anti-sex and anti sex worker attitude.

There are many different states of consciousness, states of embodied pleasure, release and sensation that are possible. Different techniques and intentions result in different results. One is not inherently more valuable than any other. It all depends on what you want to experience.

For folk right into our BDSM(Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism) fetishes and D/s (Dominant/Submissive) explorations, the goal of our activities is often a particular state of consciousness called subspace and/or topspace. These forms of play can be about eroticism but it is not necessarily about overt eroticism and might not be about eroticism at all. The focus is in the state of consciousness that can be achieved through these activities and exploration of the pleasure, intensity, transformation, deep peace, trust, intimacy and plain old fun these states can evoke.

Traditional, penetrative sex could in fact hinder the person attempting to access these particular mind /body states of being because it releases different chemicals in the body, guides the mind down a different route to a different destination and if ejaculation is involved, can cut short the powerful journey created by all the other activities. For many people, cumming breaks the spell of subspace /top space.

BDSMers, fetishists and power exchange players (here on shortened to the umbrella term “kinksters”) have traditionally faced a lot of prejudice and misunderstanding throughout history. When outsiders come along, they frequently think we are sick and misunderstand what it is we are trying to achieve with these seemingly perverted and extreme activities. On the other extreme outsiders become fascinated and want to join in. Initially they assume it is all about traditional sex and “horniness” and have never in considered the other possible reasons for engaging in these activities. This can be a source of frustration to kinksters because these new comers are often pulling in a different direction to us and making all sorts of false assumptions about what is on offer.

As a pro Domme I am flooded with enquiries that misunderstand the intent of what I am offering and assume that it is all about “kinky sex”. It would be easy for me to become frustrated and put those people down for “not getting it” but really, what is actually wrong with enjoying, actively exploring and delighting in “kinky sex”? I sure like it! It’s just another option on the menu for me to explore, savour and revel in. Some folk that initially come to me for Kinky sex, end up exploring other states they didn’t know existed and therefore could never have asked for. Others remain delighted to explore all the kinds of forbidden sex they have never had an opportunity to experience with anyone else.

I believe that a lot of the tension between those into kinky sex and those into exploring subspace/topspace for its own sake, is based on constant misunderstanding of the intent of what one is trying to achieve. The reason people engage in kinky sex is different to the reason that kinksters engage in BDSM for its own sake. If you use certain tools or activities and have certain intents, you get one kind of mind/body result. If you use another set of tools, activities and intents, you get a different mind/body result. One is not inherently more valuable or “better” than the other. Both are different options and both are valid in their own right. Not just valid, but deeply pleasurable and rich sources of ecstatic living.

It is not useful when exploring a sex positive, femme-empowered place to assume that all sex workers are victims that don’t enjoy what they do and are inherently degraded because they have sex for money with clients. Sex work may not be something that you could or should do but that does not mean all of us are wired the same as you. No doubt there are as many opinions on this topic are there are people so I shall just stick to my perspective.

I do many different things. I am a pro Domme who guides people into a variety of different states of consciousness in body and mind. Some are overtly erotic and others ecstatic… still others are a deep quieting of the mind… others intense adrenalin pumping highs… or about transformation and self discovery… some about submission… some about “getting off”… because guess what! “Getting off” is FUN! This idea that getting off is not as noble a goal as the others is based in an assumption that pleasure and play for delights sake is somehow wrong, less valuable than “serious” intents and adds to the cycle of sex-shame our culture has nursed for millennia.

I’ve had enough shame about sex drilled into me from an uber religious upbringing, anti sex feminists, cultural fear of sexually powerful women and dominant ideas about how sex work is inherently degrading to women. Indeed how sex itself is inherently degrading to women and just the act of engaging in sex means the woman is being submissive. After all, only men want sex right? Women like it when they are in the “honeymoon” period of a romantic relationship but that wears off right? Then women use it to “get stuff” like a nice house, their way in an argument or a new perfume… The worst of these are sex workers who clearly only do it to get money… it is just assumed that men want sex more than women do and to “give it to him” is about his pleasure, not hers. Especially if it is particularly dirty sex. Oh and then there are the positions women naturally get in for sex… Unless she is on top, those positions are inherently submissive right?

I can’t speak for other women but when I close my eyes and search deep into my body and mind, strip back cultural expectations, assumptions and politics to search my authentic being for answers, I find that I feel very powerful when engaging in sex of all kinds. I love what I do. I love being a sex worker, a teacher of the erotic arts who guides people into deeper relationships with their shame-free ability to experience limitless erotic pleasure… I also love my work as a pro Domme who facilitates journeys into submission and other kinky altered states. I also really love having good old fashioned sexy fun with open minded, respectful clients. Fun for fun’s sake rocks my boat too. I do not value one path over the other.

The key is to be very clear about what it is that each client is trying to achieve and what I want to achieve with each client. I choose the tools, activities and intents together with the client in order to best achieve the desired outcome based on their particular wiring and our combined dynamic. I do not engage in activities I do not want to. If I feel inside myself and it feels wrong, I don’t do it. If a client is not respectful, I do not offer them a session. I do not accept every client that asks me for a session. I ensure that we are matched first. Otherwise I recommend another professional who they may be more suited to skills, goals and personality-wise.

Working this way has lead me to develop some intense and mutually beneficial professional relationships with clients that have opened and changed us both. I cannot tell you how incredibly delicious it is to be part of someone’s erotic and/or BDSM journey. That moment when someone slips into a new state of being that rises from deep within their authenticity through a session I have created for them… OH. MY. GODDESS! I cannot imagine a more rewarding way to spend my time on this planet. (Of course as part of my “work” I constantly explore my own ability for erotic and ecstatic pleasure… oh poor me! Such a victim!)

As a professional, I am not replacing the intimacy of a romantic relationship. That is not my role. My role is to explore, teach and facilitate certain experiences utalising my highly trained skillset. The result is different to that of the kinds of play I engage in with a romantic partner and for me, one is not a threat to the other. For me, engaging in sex outside of fluid bonded, romantic, intimacy does not take from the sex in my romantic relationships at all. In fact, it really adds to it because having a career and spiritual path dedicated to erotic exploration means I constantly feed the fires of my eroticism and do not suffer from “bed death” after the honeymoon period has finished. The way I engage in sex work is not damaging or degrading to me or my personal relationships.

To summerise: Whether our goal is to explore sub/top space or other states of consciousness for its own sake, to revel in the pleasure of kinky sex, to explore transformation, dirty horny deliciousness , intensity, submission or spiritual connection it’s all valid. We just need to be clear about our intent and use the right tools to achieve our goal. Not every professional wants to explore all these different modes. Many specialise in the none sexual sessions and that is fine. Each person has to do what is right for them and honor the way they are wired. This does not mean that someone who is a pro Domme and a kinky sex worker is not a “real” Domme. Putting one form of exploration on a pedastool over another is just another form of prejudice. Instead I invite us to value all the paths possible and consciously choose which person is right to explore our unique wiring with based on compatibility of intent, skill level and repoire. There is no such things as a “real” Domme. It is just a matter of whether or not the professional you seek understands and can cater to your particular aims for a session. Every kind of Domme is perfect for someone.



Blogging Flogging
December 3, 2010, 1:54 pm
Filed under: Feminism, Sex | Tags: , , , ,

One Sunday a few weeks back, I went with some friends to a kinky fetish night. Admittedly, this is only the third time I’ve ventured to a BDSM event but every time my experiences and observations have been positive.

I want to share some of my thoughts in no particular order. Please keep in mind I am relatively inexperienced and if I say some really stupid shit, you’re welcome to contest my points.

Random thoughts in no particular order.

– In my small amount of experience, BDSM clubs are not like people seem to imagine. Yes there are people being flogged, suspended, having needles put into their skin and crawling around on the ground and yes the scenes sometimes seem kind of intense. However, mostly the atmosphere feels very relaxed and most people are just standing around, watching, talking, drinking, joking… basically just socialising.

– At these events, I’ve actually felt far more comfortable and relaxed than at any bar or nightclub I’ve been to. There are a lot of rules around consent and respect, so I get the sense that were I approached by an interested party, I’d feel quite empowered to say “no” and have that respected.

– In everyday life, I do not tend to feel very sexually attractive. I haven’t the time/money/inclination to put a lot of effort into giving myself the lean gym bunny body so many people seem obsessed with. I am short and I dress sort of weirdly in the cheap, not quite right clothes I get at op shops. In other words, I don’t quite fit into what are current mainstream ideals of sexy. At best, people usually tell me I’m “cute” which makes me cringe and die a little inside (Seriously, I even made art about it! This film from this body of work.)

However, at the BDSM spaces I’ve been in, you get to see a much wider range of body types, ages, identities etc in a sexual context. When I see so many of these people strutting about feeling and looking sexy, owning their bodies proudly, I too feel sexy and empowered. This is a world somewhat removed from so much that is disheartening to me about mainstream society. Sexy isn’t just such a narrow, unobtainable, physical thing – it’s something that’s much more of an attitude.

And in these spaces I think “Damn, I am SMOKIN’!”

Also… I got flogged!

I watched a friend, Erin, who has been involved in BDSM for a long time flogging someone else and I was so impressed by the look of intense concentration on his face something akin to the look a cat gets when preparing to pounce, or my partner sometimes gets in the bedroom. Intense, focused concentration. Very hot.

I’ve always liked the way Erin talks about BDSM, often emphasizing the importance of safety, responsibly and communication. I find that incredibly admirable and I realised he would be the perfect person to ask to try being flogged for the very first time. See, though I consider myself very much into BDSM as a mindset and love being submissive in the bedroom, I’ve not done a lot of the “standard” stuff.

So I spent a little time psyching myself up to ask Erin. When I finally did approach him, I said something along the lines of “I don’t know if I can ask you this but…um…” and I swear the cheeky bugger had a twinkle in his eye when he grinned and said “Yes? I’m going to make you say it!”

Very soon after, I was handcuffed to a St. Andrew’s Cross (Erin could have tied me up, he’s awesome with rope but I think we decided against that simply for the time it would take) and he tried out a couple of different floggers on me. It was at this point that I realised I may be a bit more of a pain slut then I realised. I was not feeling especially submissive that night, perhaps because of the public setting… rather I was excited to see what my body could take and had adrenaline and endorphins pumping. So the pain was exciting and, well, fun!

I didn’t last for very long, as I am new to this. When it was starting to get more intense (intense for me, other people were probably snickering!) though I felt I could go on a little longer, Erin decided that was a good time to stop which in retrospect, I agree was a good and responsible idea. Afterwards, I was shaky but elated, I had this similar feeling to after I’ve been out dancing. I was full of happy chemicals, I’m sure, but I also felt this sense of excitement about what I can put my body through.

When I mentioned I was shaky, Erin asked his boy “Where’s that thing for people who get shaky?” and started rummaging about in his toy bag until he produced a muesli bar! Ahhh! A muesli bar! How freakin’ adorable is that? I politely declined as I had just had a cupcake offered to me by someone who was celebrating their birthday. Yes, cupcakes in a BDSM club. With coloured icing and sprinkles.

I think a lot of people are baffled and upset by BDSM either because it’s not their thing or because it IS their thing and that scares them. Perhaps because they are unable to separate real, non-consensual violence from what essentially strikes me as fantasy, role playing and even a sort of sport. But really, coming into this world so far has been a very positive thing for me. I know there are lots of criticisms within the BDSM world about various aspects of it and I’m sure they’re not all wrong. However, there is so much about it that I’m finding to be far more welcoming and wonderful for me than the “vanilla” world has been. Perhaps because I’m entering this world with a lot less baggage and a lot more feminism than when I first became sexually active… but yeah, it’s exciting.

Oh and I still had marks on my back, several days later. When a workmate asked me about them, apparently I instantly broke into a huge grin because she knew right away what I’d been up to. What can I say? I was really fucking happy.



Sharing is sexy – round two
September 25, 2010, 1:43 pm
Filed under: Art, Feminism, Porn, Sex | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Gorgeousness from just a perfect day.

How To Respect Sex Workers from Ms. Magazine. This is SUCH a great little article! Interesting comments, too.

Sympathy for the Anti-Porn Feminists by sex positive activist, Clarisse Thorn. It’s a great article and I highly recommend reading it in its entirety. However, here are some bits that stood out for me:

“So how can I have sympathy for anti-porn feminists? Only because I remember how I felt just a few years ago. I remember that I felt so confused about my own sexuality; I remember how resentful I felt, that sex seemed so easy for men — that the world seemed to facilitate their sex drives so thoroughly, particularly by providing all this porn!”

Also:

“Anti-porn activists rely on the societal belief that men’s sexuality is hard to control, scaring us into believing that allowing porn will enable uncontrollable men.”

Teenagers and Pornography – Looking at porn doesn’t have to be a dirty secret by David Heslin. I’ve meant to share this article with y’all for awhile now and the other day I actually met the guy who wrote it, turns out he’s been dating a dear friend of mine! Small world etc etc. I digress, this is an interesting article with some novel ideas:

“Society must, at some stage, accept that not only is there a widespread demand for pornography, but that it also has the potential, in the process of adhering to certain values, to aid healthy adolescent sexual development. It may seem ludicrous to envision government-funded pornography, but there is no reason why such an enlightened initiative would not be theoretically feasible. Through broadcasters such as the ABC, the government already gives funding to comedy, entertainment, current affairs programs and sport; the only reason, it seems, that pornography could not join those ranks is its general lack of perceived legitimacy.”

Senior Citizens and BDSM, a nifty article by Rabbit Write:

“One thing that may benefit older people getting into the BDSM community is that often experience is valued — age can be hot. “I have a number of the younger ones ask me if they could play with me,” Peaches says. “Sometimes you get respect because you’re older and sometimes you get respect because you deserve it.””

What’s it LIKE to be in a D/s relationship? By a very awesome friend of mine. So, what’s it like?

“It’s… secure. It’s very secure. You know where things are. You know the rules, not because they’re built by society and trained into you by magazines and schoolyard gossip, but because you’ve talked about it and figured it out together.”

One in four lap dancers has a degree on the BBC News website. I watched this short little clip and I like how articulate the woman speaking is:

“I think part of the stigma is because there’s a lot of misinformation, a lot of myth about the adult entertainment industry. One of the exciting things about this report is that it’s been ethically carried out and it’s actually asking the women what they feel about their job and why they do their job and one of the most striking things is job satisfaction and of course, the money (…)”

Do women really want male lap dancers? by Ellen Levenson. Mostly, I found the article pretty “meh” but I wanted to link to it just for this one quote that tickled me:

“I do take umbrage at a man, even a psycho-sexual therapist, telling me that he knows what women want. The long-standing theory, that women aren’t turned on visually, feels like something men may have made up to make themselves feel better, telling each other in secret exchanges in changing rooms or masonic temples: “Yes, I’m ugly, smelly and have a small penis but she loves me because I make her laugh and know how to unblock the sink.” “Get a grip,” I want to say. “What we really want is a big, hard …” Alas, this is probably only true when it comes attached to someone who can make us laugh and unblock the sink.”

Cleavage at the Work Place at the awesome Cuntlove blog. I actually intend to expand upon this with some of my own thoughts and experiences at some point, because as a big(ish) boobed women I entirely relate:

“A small chested woman will never be  told that her shirt is too tight or that she shouldn’t wear v-necks or whatever, but I somehow manage to look slutty wearing a t-shirt for crying out loud. It just, well, to be honest, when I was told that I was a good-looking woman, but that my cleavage shouldn’t be so exposed or that it was inappropriate, I felt embarrassed as all hell and suddenly aware of being female and that that was somehow bad.”

And finally, my absolute favourite of the batch…

The It Gets Better Project
, for LGBT teenagers, started by the awesome Dan Savage who I am kind of sort of a huge fan of. Apparently, 9 out of 10 gay teenagers experience bullying and harassment at school, and gay teens are 4 times as more likely to attempt suicide. A lot of these teens live in rural areas where they have no access to LGBT support groups etc. This project basically aims to get the important message out to LGBT teens that it gets better. You can read more about it here, LGBT folks can contribute, and you absolutely have to watch the video below, it is incredibly touching, lovely and almost brought tears to my eyes because I’m a big sooky crybaby.



The Sexually Submissive Feminist
July 4, 2010, 8:27 pm
Filed under: Art, Feminism, Sex | Tags: , , , , ,

Old art done one especially horny day.

Yep, I’m a feminist. Yep, I’m sexually submissive. Yep, I’m a masochist. Yep, I fantasise about boys and girls tying me up and making me cry.

For several years, I have gotten increasingly interested in BDSM and as I have become better educated on it, it is becoming more integrated into my sexual expression and vocabulary. On the one hand, my interest in it seems to disturb and alienate some folks, on the other I am relatively new to it and so far only practice what I consider to be comparatively light BDSM with my partner. Though often my desire is to try more intense stimulation, I like to take this stuff slow so I can be aware of my comfort zones. So, I’m hardly an authoritarian voice, but this stuff is important to me so I’m going to record my current thoughts on it.

I am not going to write this article in a way that attempts to be inclusive of the extremely diverse BDSM community – I am writing this article from my very specific, very personal perspective as a feminist female who identifies as predominantly sexually submissive with a sprinkling of switch. Please keep comments (if indeed there are any!) respectful and remember I’m not pretending to be an expert.

Admitting I’m sexually submissive.

Ever since I can recall the first fluttering of sexual feelings (though I did not fully understand them to be so at this age) my sexual fantasies primarily revolved around submission. I remember, at a very young age, sitting in the school playground, watching while some of the “naughty” kids played pirates – the boys would kidnap the girls and tie them to the trees. I wanted so badly to be one of those girls but my parents were feminists and I felt that game was sexist. So I never played. And I never stopped fantasising.

Later, in my relationships, I would spend a lot of time hoping my partners would be more sexually assertive with me and in fact I introduced some forced fantasy play into our sex life – but this did not always make my partners comfortable and I had my own hang-ups about it. At this point, I did not have a language to articulate my desires properly nor a way to express them and as a result, often felt conflicted and guilty for not being happy with more gentle sexual play.

I actually spent a lot of time trying to teach myself to enjoy the things I was told were healthy and positive. I tried to concentrate my fantasies on a softer sort of sensuality, one that seemed more female friendly – you know, candlelight and rose petals. I tried everything to avoid fantasising about the things that made me a bad person. Guess what? A big part of my sex life was spent feeling unhappy and unsatisfied. I knew sex was important but I came to think of myself as something broken and I came to relate sex to something rather frustrating and unfair – there didn’t seem to be a way for me to find proper satisfaction.

And over the years, as I learned about too many of my female friends being victims of sexual abuse and rape, I felt a sick, blinding, frustrating, helpless rage at the perpetrators of violence against my friends. I also started to feel deeply, horribly awful and guilty for my own dark fantasies. As a result, I started to push my fantasies deeper and deeper inside myself.

But, like my sexual awakening with orgasm, moving to a city with a variety of different people in it really opened me up to new experiences. I met people involved in the BDSM community and we started having conversations about all sorts of fabulous things – consent, communication, fantasy, safety and so on.

In fact, meeting people from the BDSM community gave me a sense of sexual agency and assertiveness about my own desires that I had previously suppressed. Though my experience with BDSM is relatively new and inexperienced, I want to discuss some of the things it has helped me understand.

Submitting in the bedroom is not submitting to the patriarchy.

It is often suggested that women who want to be sexually submissive have just internalised misogynistic, male centric codes of sexual conduct. But isn’t that, well, really fucking patronising? Isn’t it incredibly offensive to deny women ownership of their own sexual fantasies? It’s like saying that there’s no way a woman could have sexual fantasies of her own, that they come from men because women are empty vessels who only learn what to like from men. Hell, even if women have learned what to like from men, does that mean we should just never enjoy ourselves, lest we cross over to the dark side and dance the patriarchy tango? Oh yeah, and isn’t it also very heterocentric? I fantasise about submitting to other women and that’s not about replicating old heterosexual codes of conduct, it’s about me getting my rocks off.

When practicing BDSM, we are not simply re-enacting established misogynistic forms of sexual expression. When I ask my partner to slap me, it’s because I want to feel the intensity of his touch, when I ask him to tie me up it’s because I want to feel sensations of exposure and helplessness, when I ask him to dominate me it’s because I want to have the intense, screaming orgasms I get from seeing that triumphant look of power in his eyes. But it’s not about him being a man and me being a woman, it’s about us being us. In every aspect of life we are equal and sexually it is exactly the same. We give each other what we want. Shameless, sexy contentment.

This is not to say that there aren’t misogynistic BDSM practices and those can bother me (though my fantasies often revolve around women being degraded, they’re always in the context of fantasy). However, to discuss BDSM and fantasies as if they are in the same realm as the rape and abuse of women is offensive. It’s offensive both to careful, considerate practitioners of BDSM and to women who have experienced real abuse.

Submissives aren’t weak.

People who are sexually submissive are often seen as people who are weak. This is not the case and I think it’s a misogynistic attitude as people often relate sexual submissiveness to femininity. This is a load of hogwash, there are plenty of submissive men who are no less men for wanting to have their bottoms spanked.

Besides, has nobody ever heard of topping from the bottom? Has nobody heard of safe words? When I play with my partner, if he ever accidentally goes too far or I’m just not in the right mood, I have a word I can use (my word is “autumn” because that word is pretty!) and if I use that word, he stops instantly. That’s right, he can have me tied up and be standing over me with a giant whip made of doom but the moment I say “autumn” it’s game over instantly. That brings me to my next point…

BDSM is a game.

Whenever I come across people who are disturbed by BDSM, I must admit I feel a little less comfortable around them. I wonder whether they can separate reality from fantasy. It has to be understood that BDSM is fantasy, is play. Sure, there are people who do it badly, abusively, but isn’t that exactly the same with vanilla sex?

BDSM, as Dan Savage puts it, is a game of cops and robbers for adults… without pants. To play games properly, there are rules, clearly defined boundaries and if you don’t play by the rules, chances are you won’t be allowed to play again.

BDSM has taught me sexual agency.

I would like to further emphasise the importance of a safe word. As I said, it’s like a button that stops the game instantly the moment I’m feeling uncomfortable. A safe word is the thing that helps me know that no matter what I’m still in control. When I practice BDSM with my partner, like while watching a movie, I suspend my disbelief so that I can enjoy myself but we have a language that allows us to pause, play again or stop entirely.

As a submissive, I have a certain degree of responsibility towards my dominant partner, the responsibility to keep check on how I’m feeling and to make sure we don’t do anything I’m uncomfortable with. Before learning about BDSM, I didn’t have a real strategy for checking in with myself and I must admit to doing some damage to myself as a result – even while having calm, “normal” vanilla sex.

As Clarisse Thorn has written, BDSM helps encourage communication and that communication has helped me be far more aware and articulate about my own desires and boundaries.

In conclusion, I guess?

Nowadays, I am with a partner who is self identified as a dominant and this suits me wonderfully. Although I sometimes still feel residual guilt about making my sexual needs known, I feel a lot more comfortable and content sexually because I no longer feel so ashamed of my desires.

At the end of the day, when the game finishes, we’re ourselves again. Sometimes our game playing ends halfway and turns into languid, gentle lovemaking, sometimes –gasp – nobody even orgasms. Whatever, the point is that BDSM is only one aspect of our relationship, one aspect of our sexuality and ultimately, it’s just a pantsless game of cops and robbers.  Now that BDSM have given me a language and framework to explore my fantasies in a structured, considered way… I can finally allow myself out to play.

Other reading.

Because other people are more articulate and experienced than me, here are some links!

I would love for people to read this article, it’s big but it expresses a lot of my own experiences, thoughts and struggles: The Fantasy of Acceptable ‘Non-Consent’: Why the Female Sexual Submissive Scares Us (and Why She Shouldn’t).

Pro-SM Feminist Safe Spaces. I’ve only started reading this but it seems to be a good place to go to for discussions on BDSM.

Mistress Matisse’s Journal. The super sexy professional dominatrix, Mistress Matisse is articulate, intelligent and fun to read.

Clarisse Thorn. A super awesome, self described, “feminist, pro-BDSM, sex-positive activist”.



Salvation Army attacks sex positive activist.
April 4, 2010, 1:01 pm
Filed under: Sex | Tags: , ,

I’ve had my own interest in BDSM attacked by people for reasons that always seem to boil down to fear and ignorance… but this sort of thing especially disturbs me.

Salvation Army attacks sex-positive activist through its human trafficking email list – Post by the awesome feminist, pro-BDSM, sex-positive blogger, Clarisse Thorn.

Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed The blog belonging to Maymay. You can read all his incredibly calmintelligentinspirational responses to the attacks.

We live in a world full of people who are scared of sex.  Personally, I believe that these people must have messy, difficult relationships with their own sexuality and so what do they do? They project their fears and insecurities onto the rest of the world and become the moral police.

The moral police will look at someone who is deviant in their sexual practices and behaviours – be they gay, masochistic, foot fetishists, whatever – and they will see these people as without boundaries or personal ethics. They will lump these people together with paedophiles and rapist. They will slap a big fat label “WRONG” on anything that scares them and justify their fears with ignorant, half-baked theories.

Why do they do this? Perhaps so they can feel like good people by attacking external sources instead of the much more difficult task of facing their own inner demons. Like vicous anti-gay politicians who turn out to be gay, I can’t help but wonder if people who attack BDSM are afraid of their own inner kinksters. I don’t know. I find it very hard to comprehend the motivation behind these people.

All I know is that they disturb me. I believe that fear is one of the major driving forces behind the atrocities people commit against each other and when fearful people have a sense of moral righteousness they use to justify their fear (Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children!), that can be a potent and terrible force indeed.

Anyway, I apologise for this post. I think it’s pretty ranty and not nearly as clever or calm as Maymay is being. I just felt I had to get these thoughts out. Opinions always very welcome.