Feminism. Art. Porn. Sex.

Trying My Best

This is the demented web series I’ve spent the last three years of my life on! Uh, three years because having a chronic pain condition (thoracic outlet syndrome) does slow down your productivity severely but I am very proud of this show. The web series itself has been called “the love-child of the Mighty Boosh and Look Around You combined with Sesame St on acid” which we we’re pretty pleased about. If you’re into surreal, colourful, dirty and weird comedy like Rick and Morty, Monty Python, Look Around You, The Mighty Boosh, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Flight of the Conchords, The Sarah Silverman Program, Lady Dynamite, The Tom Green Show, Spaced, Green Wing or The Eric Andre Show, you might dig this.

The show slowly builds into something very weird, dark and more complicated than it might originally seem to be so I recommend sticking around for a few episodes, we’ve been told that the payoff at the ending is pretty great.

Still, if you don’t have a lot of time, maybe just check out this part of the show that we took from episode 4 and turned into a music video. I wanted the guys I work with to help me write and make a sex positive, body positive, pop/rap style comedy music video inspired by the likes of Lonely Island, Ylvis, Flight of the Conchords and a bit of Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj but done on a micro-budget. We’re pretty damn pleased with the result!


If you dig our stuff, it would be absolutely amazing if you would help us spread the word and reach new audiences so that we can make a season two! There’s a whole lot more story we have left to tell!


Gentleman Handling

Here’s a new, very beautiful and very sexy website that I’m incredibly excited to tell you about! It’s the first commercial venture from Sensate Films, a new erotica production company which has been put together by two incredible ladies who I am privileged to be friends with, Aven Frey and Gala Vanting.

The website is gentlemanhandling.com

“What we’ve made here, really, is a lovely place to watch moving images of male masturbation. GentlemanHandling attempts to strip the image of male sexual pleasure from its less-than-savoury pornographic contexts and situate it in a style of imagemaking that is honest, attentive, and reverent. In our years of experience in the pornosphere, we’ve found that men have just as much to lose as other genders from the dishonesty and superficiality of mass-produced sexual imagery. So we’ve taken up the project of presenting our contributors in a manner that highlights their human-ness, their individual sexual style. Self-pleasure is a deeply personal thing and is often glossed over or neglected in mainstream sexual media. We’re trying to take steps to change that.” ~ http://gentlemanhandling.com/public/main.php?page=about

As someone who has seen many of the films produced for the website (fuck yeah sneak previews!), I can say in all honestly that they are beautifully filmed, sensitively edited,  incredibly gorgeous, raw, powerful and most importantly, intensely sexy. Gala and Aven also have a talent for finding immensely attractive but diverse men who all have a real presence in front of the camera and seem really comfortable in their skin and sexuality.

I truly believe that this project is onto a very, very good thing. Watching these beautiful men indulging in self pleasure, seeing their face as they get lost in their own senses… well, for me it was as good as looking at a beautiful painting – a beautiful painting that made me need to take a cold shower afterwards. There were moments during some of the films when I gasped, there were moments when I felt my face getting hot, there were moments when I even felt a little sad because male sexuality is every bit as rich, varied, beautiful and sexy as its female equivalent but it has been neglected for so long, considered crude, ugly, base.

Gentleman Handling gives male sexuality the attention and respect it deserves. So fuck yeah to that!

Go check the website out, watch the preview video I posted at the top of this entry, subscribe if you want to see beautiful men masturbate and spread the word if you want to support new, ground-breaking, beautiful and ethical porn. Seriously, they only just released the website so you get to say “Oh yeah, I knew about that before it was famous!”

The Pervocracy – Sex Pozzie
October 26, 2011, 10:20 am
Filed under: Feminism, Porn, Sex | Tags: , , , ,

Most critics of sex-positive feminism have not bothered to figure out what sex-positivity is.

It’s not the giggling, hair-twirling exclamation of “it’s feminist to be sexayyy!”  It’s really not.  I’m not going to defend that strawman.  (I also think it’s funny how often I get accused of being a Hooters-girl-bot, when I’m about the least Hooters-looking-person ever.)

Nor is it the demand that everyone be sexy or have sex.  Nor is it the claim that everything that involves sex is beyond criticism.  Nor is it the suggestion that sex will fix all the problems of feminism.

Instead, sex-positivity is the belief that sex and sexiness are… okay.  It’s the belief that people shouldn’t be judged by the sex they have.  It’s the belief that consent matters and social norms do not.  It’s the belief that porn and erotica are valid media of expression (not that the current porn industry is hunky-dory, cause it’s not) and that sex work ought to be just work (not that it currently is).  It’s the belief that neither “slut” nor “prude” should be an insult.  It’s the belief that every sexual and gender identity is valid.

Sex-positivity is, in a nutshell, the belief in sexual freedom as a key component of women’s freedom and of having a better world in general.

If you want to argue with that belief, we can talk.  But if you want to argue with “everyone should be a Hooters girl because showing men your boobies is like totally the most feministical choice!” you’re not really arguing with me.  I just think that I’m in no position to judge Hooters girls or assume that they’re dimwits, sexists, or helpless victims because of what they do for a living.

Read the entire article here. 

Because I’m still struggling with my RSI and cannot write much, I really like some of the stuff on The Pervocracy blog because her opinions are often reasonably similar to mine.

Next Wave, A Sex Worker Manifesto
September 2, 2011, 2:50 pm
Filed under: Feminism, Porn, Sex | Tags: , , , ,

Annabelle Xaah – Next Wave, A Sex Worker Manifesto.

Really fascinating and well worth a listen. I really enjoy the whole Red Umbrella Diaries podcast series, a whole lot of stories from sex workers from many different walks in life.

May 19, 2011, 1:29 pm
Filed under: Feminism, Sex | Tags: , , , ,

I found this thanks to Beautiful Agony’s blog.

“Written/Produced by Bette Bentley. Directed by Vincent Peone and Bette Bentley. Piss is a short film about a girl trying to convince her feminist boyfriend to pee on her. Official selection of the Miami Short Film Festival and Austin Gay and Lesbian Film Festival and Cinekink Film Festival.”

I found this really adorable, funny, realisitic and I very much related to the scenario. As someone who gets sexual kicks out of the idea of being degraded, I have often wanted to explore this. However, it hasn’t always been easy for previous boyfriends who are taught that good, feminist men don’t degrade women.

And you know what? Good, feminist men don’t degrade women. However, if their partner asks them to “degrade” them in a playful, sexual, consensual context that is an entirely different ballgame. The reason I put that “degrade” in quotes this time is because when you’re consensually degrading someone… what you’re really doing is gifting them with something very special: sexual pleasure and self acceptance.

I believe that to acknowledge and accept a woman’s sexual desires instead of pathologizing them is a hugely feminist act. It allows her a much greater deal of comfort and understanding of her own sexuality and in a world that denies women the right to sexual autonomy, isn’t that ultimately a positive thing?

Blogging Flogging
December 3, 2010, 1:54 pm
Filed under: Feminism, Sex | Tags: , , , ,

One Sunday a few weeks back, I went with some friends to a kinky fetish night. Admittedly, this is only the third time I’ve ventured to a BDSM event but every time my experiences and observations have been positive.

I want to share some of my thoughts in no particular order. Please keep in mind I am relatively inexperienced and if I say some really stupid shit, you’re welcome to contest my points.

Random thoughts in no particular order.

– In my small amount of experience, BDSM clubs are not like people seem to imagine. Yes there are people being flogged, suspended, having needles put into their skin and crawling around on the ground and yes the scenes sometimes seem kind of intense. However, mostly the atmosphere feels very relaxed and most people are just standing around, watching, talking, drinking, joking… basically just socialising.

– At these events, I’ve actually felt far more comfortable and relaxed than at any bar or nightclub I’ve been to. There are a lot of rules around consent and respect, so I get the sense that were I approached by an interested party, I’d feel quite empowered to say “no” and have that respected.

– In everyday life, I do not tend to feel very sexually attractive. I haven’t the time/money/inclination to put a lot of effort into giving myself the lean gym bunny body so many people seem obsessed with. I am short and I dress sort of weirdly in the cheap, not quite right clothes I get at op shops. In other words, I don’t quite fit into what are current mainstream ideals of sexy. At best, people usually tell me I’m “cute” which makes me cringe and die a little inside (Seriously, I even made art about it! This film from this body of work.)

However, at the BDSM spaces I’ve been in, you get to see a much wider range of body types, ages, identities etc in a sexual context. When I see so many of these people strutting about feeling and looking sexy, owning their bodies proudly, I too feel sexy and empowered. This is a world somewhat removed from so much that is disheartening to me about mainstream society. Sexy isn’t just such a narrow, unobtainable, physical thing – it’s something that’s much more of an attitude.

And in these spaces I think “Damn, I am SMOKIN’!”

Also… I got flogged!

I watched a friend, Erin, who has been involved in BDSM for a long time flogging someone else and I was so impressed by the look of intense concentration on his face something akin to the look a cat gets when preparing to pounce, or my partner sometimes gets in the bedroom. Intense, focused concentration. Very hot.

I’ve always liked the way Erin talks about BDSM, often emphasizing the importance of safety, responsibly and communication. I find that incredibly admirable and I realised he would be the perfect person to ask to try being flogged for the very first time. See, though I consider myself very much into BDSM as a mindset and love being submissive in the bedroom, I’ve not done a lot of the “standard” stuff.

So I spent a little time psyching myself up to ask Erin. When I finally did approach him, I said something along the lines of “I don’t know if I can ask you this but…um…” and I swear the cheeky bugger had a twinkle in his eye when he grinned and said “Yes? I’m going to make you say it!”

Very soon after, I was handcuffed to a St. Andrew’s Cross (Erin could have tied me up, he’s awesome with rope but I think we decided against that simply for the time it would take) and he tried out a couple of different floggers on me. It was at this point that I realised I may be a bit more of a pain slut then I realised. I was not feeling especially submissive that night, perhaps because of the public setting… rather I was excited to see what my body could take and had adrenaline and endorphins pumping. So the pain was exciting and, well, fun!

I didn’t last for very long, as I am new to this. When it was starting to get more intense (intense for me, other people were probably snickering!) though I felt I could go on a little longer, Erin decided that was a good time to stop which in retrospect, I agree was a good and responsible idea. Afterwards, I was shaky but elated, I had this similar feeling to after I’ve been out dancing. I was full of happy chemicals, I’m sure, but I also felt this sense of excitement about what I can put my body through.

When I mentioned I was shaky, Erin asked his boy “Where’s that thing for people who get shaky?” and started rummaging about in his toy bag until he produced a muesli bar! Ahhh! A muesli bar! How freakin’ adorable is that? I politely declined as I had just had a cupcake offered to me by someone who was celebrating their birthday. Yes, cupcakes in a BDSM club. With coloured icing and sprinkles.

I think a lot of people are baffled and upset by BDSM either because it’s not their thing or because it IS their thing and that scares them. Perhaps because they are unable to separate real, non-consensual violence from what essentially strikes me as fantasy, role playing and even a sort of sport. But really, coming into this world so far has been a very positive thing for me. I know there are lots of criticisms within the BDSM world about various aspects of it and I’m sure they’re not all wrong. However, there is so much about it that I’m finding to be far more welcoming and wonderful for me than the “vanilla” world has been. Perhaps because I’m entering this world with a lot less baggage and a lot more feminism than when I first became sexually active… but yeah, it’s exciting.

Oh and I still had marks on my back, several days later. When a workmate asked me about them, apparently I instantly broke into a huge grin because she knew right away what I’d been up to. What can I say? I was really fucking happy.

Camera Whore – A Prelude
November 29, 2010, 10:58 pm
Filed under: Art, Feminism, Porn, Sex | Tags: , , , , , ,

About a month back, my partner was away for the night with the lovely R and I was home alone. Though I’m relatively regular in my masturbatory habits, this was the first time in quite a while that I had the house to myself for the entire night and, uh, I wanked for about four hours straight. Towards the end of it, I was incredibly dizzy and my head was pounding. I was sure that if I came again, I might just pass out but I just had to have one… last… orgasm.

So it was 3AM, my room was a mess, my bed was covered in junk and… I squirted all over it. Though I’ve squirted many times before, this time I felt compelled to document the evidence so I grabbed my camera.

I then photographed myself in my dishevelled but still entirely dressed state (by myself, I often masturbate clothed but for my underwear). While doing this, I rediscovered an intimate feeling I’ve not had with the camera for a couple of years as my image making aesthetic has moved towards the more staged and dramatic.

For me, looking at a photo of myself is a world apart from looking at myself in the mirror. In the mirror, I am looking at me. In a photo, I am seeing me as somebody else. This can be confronting and distressing but sometimes it is refreshing, revealing and even erotic.

I wasn’t originally going to post the two photos in this blog entry because they felt a little too intimate, maybe even a bit “gross” for some of my friends to see my wet patch and bedroom hair! But for me there is a common thing which I enjoy in making my art, my porn in my blogging… that is pushing my own boundaries and challenging myself to be as honest as I possibly can. That can actually be really hard and it means putting a lot of stupid crap out there, but I try really hard not to censor myself because I really don’t believe in bottling shit up.

Anyway, all this rambling is actually just a prelude to a bigger blog entry I’m planning about my relationship to the camera and the gaze. That one’s been fermenting in my brain for a few years now, so here’s my official promise to attempt to get it into words as soon as I can.

November 19, 2010, 6:27 pm
Filed under: Sex | Tags: , ,

One of the most common things that people first say when they learn I am in a polyamorous relationship is “I couldn’t do it.” This strikes me as a basically harmless comment, albeit a little amusing – I kind of want to respond “nobody’s asking you to!”

Another reaction, upon learning that my boyfriend is dating my best friend, has been friends asking other mutual friends if they too are going to start dating W. One chum even jokingly asked another if she was planning on joining our “sex clan”!! Ok, I admit that W is absolutely smokin’ hot and totally awesome (objectively speaking and without the slightest bit of bragging!) but he’s not open slather, the man has limits!

So yeah, fairly innocuous comments but I wonder if sometimes they reflect some underlying assumptions about what it is to be polyamorous? To set the record straight… Just because I’m poly, it doesn’t mean I want everyone else to be. It’s just something that works for me. Also, FYI, polyamory doesn’t equal wanting to have sex with everyone and everything. That’s called “my old neighbour’s creepy dog in heat” and even that dog had limits, it had to eat and sleep sometimes.

The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex
October 11, 2010, 9:20 pm
Filed under: Feminism, Sex | Tags: , , , ,

So ever since seeing her perform live several years back, I have been deeply in love with Kristen Schaal. She is probably my all time favourite comedian and proves that despite what silly people who should know better say, women can be funny if they’re given half a damn chance and some airspace. Anyway, Schaal (along with Rich Blomquist) has recently released The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex and I intend to get my filthy little paws on it as soon as I have the moolah. I am almost certain that it will be awesome as even the advertisement for it is fantastic…

Pink Bits
September 4, 2010, 6:44 pm
Filed under: Art, Porn, Sex | Tags: , , , , ,

Here’s another character concept design for that erotic comic series I might someday create. To be honest, I don’t actually spend any time “designing” the characters as such, I just draw them as they come out of my head. Suggestions are always welcome, though please note that I want the brightly coloured genitals to be sort of disconcerting… maybe they’re too disconcerting? This also made me aware of just how bad I am at drawing male bodied characters. I’m going to have to practice this some more which is entirely fine by me!

Also, is it just me or does wordpress compress the heck out of jpgs?

Nio got interviewed
August 18, 2010, 10:25 pm
Filed under: Art, Feminism, Porn, Sex | Tags: , , ,

So I got interviewed by the totally awesome Gore-Gore Girl. She asked some really great questions and told me that I could write as much as I liked – which, considering I’m not very succinct at the best of times, was very brave of her indeed!

So go check it out, and your feedback on my thoughts would be very much welcome there (Oh please oh please!) Though I must admit I worried a whole lot about sounding like a self-important twit, overall it was a whole lot of fun and really helped me get a little bit of a clearer picture in my head in regards to what this blog’s all about, woooo!

Same-Sex Marriage Rally and Australian Sex Party
August 17, 2010, 1:25 pm
Filed under: Misc, Sex | Tags: , , , , , ,

I apologise if this is not the best update, I’m home sick with a cold, my muscles ache, my nose is dripping and my head feels like it’s clogged with mock cream. Anyway, enough fishing for sympathy!

The other day, I went to the Melbourne Same-Sex Marriage Rally with a couple of friends. Though I do not necessarily believe in the institution of marriage, nor the monogamous assumptions surrounding it, I entirely support people’s right to choose and right to equality.

From my point of view, the rally was peaceful, beautiful and had what seemed to be a really good turnout (various sources estimate a turnout from 1000 to 6000 people! I can’t find any sources that agree!) We started outside the State Library of Victoria where speeches were made, some beautiful and moving, others less so (the Labour representative was booed throughout her entire talk!) then we marched along the street all the way to the registry office where a mass illegal wedding was held. I’m usually dry eyed and bored at weddings but this had poignancy to it and I got pretty choked up.

Overall, I felt it to be a positive experience and it solidified my viewpoint that same-sex marriage is an important issue.

In other news, I recently became a member of the Australian Sex Party. As I am not an Australian citizen, I am unable to vote. However, I have lived in Australia since November 2006 and intend to continue to live here. Though I do not agree with all of the Sex Party’s policies, I like that they are explicit in their stance regarding equality, censorship, abortion, religion and so on. I think they offer just the kind of shaking up that the conservative, uninspiring world of Australian politics seems to need.

So on that note, check them out, perhaps donate to them, volunteer, become a member, even vote if you can/want to.

Sharing is Sexy – Round One
August 12, 2010, 11:29 pm
Filed under: Art, Feminism, Porn, Sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Hey I’m super busy with various projects but I thought I’d start a segment on this blog where I occasionally share stuff by other people that I like or find interesting. Huzzuh!

I might have to try this. Emma Frost by Bryan Lee O’Malley

Annie Sprinkle, who is awesome, said in this article:

“The answer to bad porn is not no porn, but to try to make better porn.”

Sex Workers: Stigma and barriers to health. The UCL Institute for Global Health’s 12th symposium. I found this talk really interesting and though the video is a bit long, I highly recommend a listen as I think education is a wonderful way to challenge people’s assumptions and beliefs surrounding sex work.

Porn Star Lorelei Lee talks obscenity. Here are some choice quotes from the article:

“If we lived in a society in which women’s sexuality was celebrated, and was seen as usually proactive rather than usually passive, I don’t think people would jump so quickly to the concepts of exploitation and dehumanization when they thought of female performers.”


“Porn, I think, is sometimes dark because sex is sometimes dark — because people are sometimes dark. Of course, porn is also often lighthearted, funny, ugly, gorgeous and ridiculous. Human desires evolve out of our varied, complex experiences in the world. Sex is so basic to our humanity, and sexuality is an arena, like dreaming, that connects us to the parts of ourselves we don’t always fully understand or have words for. This is what makes sexuality fascinating and endlessly variable and certainly worth performing.”

Sex is not the enemy. This lovely tumblr blog is a great resource for pretty, sexy pictures and good articles. In fact, it’s where I found a few of the things I’m now sharing here!

Greta Christina on Porn, Social Criticism and the Marginalization of Kink. This article reminds me why Greta Christina is one of my favourite bloggers:

“The problem isn’t with critiquing kinky or rough-sex porn for perpetuating misogyny.

The problem is with critiquing rough-sex or kinky porn for perpetuating misogyny… simply because it’s rough or kinky.”

Copyright Infringements in the Porn Industry. An interesting article on the challenges faced by the porn industry. I’d be interested to hear any thoughts people might have on this one.

The Gore-Gore Girl – “XXX through a feminist lens”. In this article she said:

“In my experience, people seem to think that women want no close ups of genitalia, and no “nasty” content, while men of course desire exactly these very things. Men and women aren’t so simple though y’all (…)”

SANGRAM’s Bill of Rights posted here. This is my favourite so I saved it for last…

1. People have a right to be approached with humility and respect.

2. People have the right to say YES or NO to things that concern them.

3. People have the right to reject harmful social norms.

4. People have the right to stand up to and change the balance of power.

5. People have the right not to be “rescued” by the outsiders who neither understand nor respect them.

6. People have the right to exist how they want to exist.

I think that could be applied to a lot of things. Awesome.

The Sexually Submissive Feminist
July 4, 2010, 8:27 pm
Filed under: Art, Feminism, Sex | Tags: , , , , ,

Old art done one especially horny day.

Yep, I’m a feminist. Yep, I’m sexually submissive. Yep, I’m a masochist. Yep, I fantasise about boys and girls tying me up and making me cry.

For several years, I have gotten increasingly interested in BDSM and as I have become better educated on it, it is becoming more integrated into my sexual expression and vocabulary. On the one hand, my interest in it seems to disturb and alienate some folks, on the other I am relatively new to it and so far only practice what I consider to be comparatively light BDSM with my partner. Though often my desire is to try more intense stimulation, I like to take this stuff slow so I can be aware of my comfort zones. So, I’m hardly an authoritarian voice, but this stuff is important to me so I’m going to record my current thoughts on it.

I am not going to write this article in a way that attempts to be inclusive of the extremely diverse BDSM community – I am writing this article from my very specific, very personal perspective as a feminist female who identifies as predominantly sexually submissive with a sprinkling of switch. Please keep comments (if indeed there are any!) respectful and remember I’m not pretending to be an expert.

Admitting I’m sexually submissive.

Ever since I can recall the first fluttering of sexual feelings (though I did not fully understand them to be so at this age) my sexual fantasies primarily revolved around submission. I remember, at a very young age, sitting in the school playground, watching while some of the “naughty” kids played pirates – the boys would kidnap the girls and tie them to the trees. I wanted so badly to be one of those girls but my parents were feminists and I felt that game was sexist. So I never played. And I never stopped fantasising.

Later, in my relationships, I would spend a lot of time hoping my partners would be more sexually assertive with me and in fact I introduced some forced fantasy play into our sex life – but this did not always make my partners comfortable and I had my own hang-ups about it. At this point, I did not have a language to articulate my desires properly nor a way to express them and as a result, often felt conflicted and guilty for not being happy with more gentle sexual play.

I actually spent a lot of time trying to teach myself to enjoy the things I was told were healthy and positive. I tried to concentrate my fantasies on a softer sort of sensuality, one that seemed more female friendly – you know, candlelight and rose petals. I tried everything to avoid fantasising about the things that made me a bad person. Guess what? A big part of my sex life was spent feeling unhappy and unsatisfied. I knew sex was important but I came to think of myself as something broken and I came to relate sex to something rather frustrating and unfair – there didn’t seem to be a way for me to find proper satisfaction.

And over the years, as I learned about too many of my female friends being victims of sexual abuse and rape, I felt a sick, blinding, frustrating, helpless rage at the perpetrators of violence against my friends. I also started to feel deeply, horribly awful and guilty for my own dark fantasies. As a result, I started to push my fantasies deeper and deeper inside myself.

But, like my sexual awakening with orgasm, moving to a city with a variety of different people in it really opened me up to new experiences. I met people involved in the BDSM community and we started having conversations about all sorts of fabulous things – consent, communication, fantasy, safety and so on.

In fact, meeting people from the BDSM community gave me a sense of sexual agency and assertiveness about my own desires that I had previously suppressed. Though my experience with BDSM is relatively new and inexperienced, I want to discuss some of the things it has helped me understand.

Submitting in the bedroom is not submitting to the patriarchy.

It is often suggested that women who want to be sexually submissive have just internalised misogynistic, male centric codes of sexual conduct. But isn’t that, well, really fucking patronising? Isn’t it incredibly offensive to deny women ownership of their own sexual fantasies? It’s like saying that there’s no way a woman could have sexual fantasies of her own, that they come from men because women are empty vessels who only learn what to like from men. Hell, even if women have learned what to like from men, does that mean we should just never enjoy ourselves, lest we cross over to the dark side and dance the patriarchy tango? Oh yeah, and isn’t it also very heterocentric? I fantasise about submitting to other women and that’s not about replicating old heterosexual codes of conduct, it’s about me getting my rocks off.

When practicing BDSM, we are not simply re-enacting established misogynistic forms of sexual expression. When I ask my partner to slap me, it’s because I want to feel the intensity of his touch, when I ask him to tie me up it’s because I want to feel sensations of exposure and helplessness, when I ask him to dominate me it’s because I want to have the intense, screaming orgasms I get from seeing that triumphant look of power in his eyes. But it’s not about him being a man and me being a woman, it’s about us being us. In every aspect of life we are equal and sexually it is exactly the same. We give each other what we want. Shameless, sexy contentment.

This is not to say that there aren’t misogynistic BDSM practices and those can bother me (though my fantasies often revolve around women being degraded, they’re always in the context of fantasy). However, to discuss BDSM and fantasies as if they are in the same realm as the rape and abuse of women is offensive. It’s offensive both to careful, considerate practitioners of BDSM and to women who have experienced real abuse.

Submissives aren’t weak.

People who are sexually submissive are often seen as people who are weak. This is not the case and I think it’s a misogynistic attitude as people often relate sexual submissiveness to femininity. This is a load of hogwash, there are plenty of submissive men who are no less men for wanting to have their bottoms spanked.

Besides, has nobody ever heard of topping from the bottom? Has nobody heard of safe words? When I play with my partner, if he ever accidentally goes too far or I’m just not in the right mood, I have a word I can use (my word is “autumn” because that word is pretty!) and if I use that word, he stops instantly. That’s right, he can have me tied up and be standing over me with a giant whip made of doom but the moment I say “autumn” it’s game over instantly. That brings me to my next point…

BDSM is a game.

Whenever I come across people who are disturbed by BDSM, I must admit I feel a little less comfortable around them. I wonder whether they can separate reality from fantasy. It has to be understood that BDSM is fantasy, is play. Sure, there are people who do it badly, abusively, but isn’t that exactly the same with vanilla sex?

BDSM, as Dan Savage puts it, is a game of cops and robbers for adults… without pants. To play games properly, there are rules, clearly defined boundaries and if you don’t play by the rules, chances are you won’t be allowed to play again.

BDSM has taught me sexual agency.

I would like to further emphasise the importance of a safe word. As I said, it’s like a button that stops the game instantly the moment I’m feeling uncomfortable. A safe word is the thing that helps me know that no matter what I’m still in control. When I practice BDSM with my partner, like while watching a movie, I suspend my disbelief so that I can enjoy myself but we have a language that allows us to pause, play again or stop entirely.

As a submissive, I have a certain degree of responsibility towards my dominant partner, the responsibility to keep check on how I’m feeling and to make sure we don’t do anything I’m uncomfortable with. Before learning about BDSM, I didn’t have a real strategy for checking in with myself and I must admit to doing some damage to myself as a result – even while having calm, “normal” vanilla sex.

As Clarisse Thorn has written, BDSM helps encourage communication and that communication has helped me be far more aware and articulate about my own desires and boundaries.

In conclusion, I guess?

Nowadays, I am with a partner who is self identified as a dominant and this suits me wonderfully. Although I sometimes still feel residual guilt about making my sexual needs known, I feel a lot more comfortable and content sexually because I no longer feel so ashamed of my desires.

At the end of the day, when the game finishes, we’re ourselves again. Sometimes our game playing ends halfway and turns into languid, gentle lovemaking, sometimes –gasp – nobody even orgasms. Whatever, the point is that BDSM is only one aspect of our relationship, one aspect of our sexuality and ultimately, it’s just a pantsless game of cops and robbers.  Now that BDSM have given me a language and framework to explore my fantasies in a structured, considered way… I can finally allow myself out to play.

Other reading.

Because other people are more articulate and experienced than me, here are some links!

I would love for people to read this article, it’s big but it expresses a lot of my own experiences, thoughts and struggles: The Fantasy of Acceptable ‘Non-Consent’: Why the Female Sexual Submissive Scares Us (and Why She Shouldn’t).

Pro-SM Feminist Safe Spaces. I’ve only started reading this but it seems to be a good place to go to for discussions on BDSM.

Mistress Matisse’s Journal. The super sexy professional dominatrix, Mistress Matisse is articulate, intelligent and fun to read.

Clarisse Thorn. A super awesome, self described, “feminist, pro-BDSM, sex-positive activist”.

Sexy words and sexy objects
July 2, 2010, 8:09 pm
Filed under: Sex | Tags: , ,

Here are some interesting (sometimes disturbing) search terms people have used and found my blog:

neon nipples, bowel porn, masturbating mortified, mother’s immoral sex comics, johnny weir clitoris, underwater sex and drowned, delicious porn, bbw turd, epithalamion porn

Epithalamion porn is my personal favourite. I’m confused and intrigued. Is this… an actual thing?

Also, I just bought a “realistic feel pussy” and a “realistic look cock” from Sexyland today for an art project.  I had fun choosing the right genitals for this project with one of the Sexyland shop assistants and promised her I’d send photos.  The cock comes with “anti-friction” talcum powder and the pussy has a very specific smell that reminds me of toys from my childhood and it’s getting me nostalgic. Yep, so, I can’t stop sniffing the fake pussy. Also, when you squash it with your hand, it makes the most delightful squishy, squelchy sounds.

Oh yeah and on the way home from the sexyland, I nearly crashed my boyfriend’s car.

But! Squishy and smelly fake pussy! Hooray!