Feminism. Art. Porn. Sex.

Come Number One
February 11, 2010, 4:51 pm
Filed under: Sex | Tags: , , , , ,

Hello The Internet! Today I want to discuss female orgasm.

"OooooOOoo!" says Ms. Happy Neon Nipples.

I didn’t learn to orgasm until I was 22. For awhile, I felt embarrassed and stupid about that until I realised it is common for women. These days, I often have orgasms of the powerful, screaming, writhing and sometimes squirting sort (thankyou God, for inventing mattress protectors!). I doubt this is possible for everyone, but orgasms have made a welcome addition into my life.

I don’t claim to be an expert on the subject but I want to share some resources on female orgasm that I think look good,  as well as my own personal experiences and observations. I’d also like to invite people to contribute to this post with their own experiences and resources – the more information available, the better, right?

Smart, educated women on female orgasm:

Dr Petra Boynton is a well informed sex educator who I dig. She made this blog entry where she gives a few pointers to women who are having trouble orgasming called No orgasms for me thanks, it’s really too difficult.

Betty Dodson, PHD sexologist, had been around forever and is a very important figure in advocating female pleasure. Here is her online guide on First Time Orgasm.

Heather Corrina on Scarleteen offers her take on the question Why can’t I orgasm?

There really are a million books and articles available on the subject. Does anyone else know of any other good resources? Books? Tips? Share!

How I learned to orgasm:

I became sexually active at 16 with a steady boyfriend who treated me well. Though my family never really discussed specifics beyond the normal safe sex stuff, I’d had a reasonably open upbringing. So from the start, I had no major sexual hang ups and a reasonably explorative, shame free sex life.

However, I often felt frustrated because it felt like something was missing. Sex was a fun adventure but it always felt a little, well, anticlimactic. I wondered if I wasn’t coming. I wondered if I was broken. I could go on, but let’s skip to the time when I learned to come.

When I turned 22, I moved away from home to go to university. Suddenly I had the internet to myself. That’s a big deal. I met an awesome woman online and admitted to her that I’d never orgasmed. She gave me the best advice I ever received and yet it was so basic. I’m paraphrasing but here’s the gist;

“Start playing with your clitoris every chance you get, spend a lot of time on it, experiment with different ways of touching it. Some women like gentle strokes, some hard rubbing, some enjoy pulling back the hood and directly touching etc. Just be patient, find what works and most importantly… get a good quality vibrator.”

I didn’t buy a vibrator straight away but I started playing with my clitoris on and off. I’ve never had a super sensitive clit so mostly it was kind of “meh”. But I was determined to learn how to feel something, anything. Gradually, over time, I started to feel sensations that weren’t mind blowing but where something. Then one day about 4 months down the track, during a session with my partner where I was especially aroused, I came.

I used to get annoyed when I’d ask people “How do you know when you orgasm?” and they’d reply “You just know.” But… you DO just know. It’s as unmistakable as a sneeze and far more pleasurable. I was so amazed by the intensity of feeling and so happy to know I could feel it that I cried.

Still, it wasn’t a sure-fire thing and I was still often very frustrated, many evenings ended with a sore hand, sore clit and swear words.

Then I got some fucking sense and bought a decent vibrator ($100 shelled out, but totally worth it) and orgasm suddenly became something I could consistently achieve. I discovered I was able to send vibrations right down into the shaft and THAT was where the secret to my orgasms was. Not in visible tip I had always understood to be my clitoris but deeper down. D’oh!

Getting better all the time.

Even with a vibrator, for about a year it would still take  40 minutes to an hour for me to climax.  But as time went by and I got more practiced, more sensitive, more accepting of myself, watched more porn… it got easier.

And better. Holy fucking shit. I didn’t know it could keep getting better but it does. It really fucking does. Who here has had orgasms so good they thought they’d die? I do! Woo! Me! High five!

Some final tips.

It’s actually still kind of embarrassing that I knew so little and took so long to learn to come but when the information isn’t readily available, when nobody talks about it … this is what happens. Here are some tips I wish someone had given me, say, 10 years ago…

Educate yourself.

Learn about your genitals, read about it, look at diagrams, get a mirror and check yourself out as your masturbate. Knowledge is power and you’ll be surprised by how much you might not know!

Don’t expect someone else to do it for you.

Surely we all know by now that intercourse doesn’t make most women come. Duh. But you know those “romantic music and oral sex” tips? That doesn’t work for everyone either and I felt bad for years that they didn’t work for me. Oral sex still doesn’t work for me, it’s fun but I don’t come and that’s ok.

In fact, it’s only very recently that anyone besides me has consistently been able to make me come, I had to get really good at it first before I could tell others how to.

Don’t be afraid of vibrators.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you can only come from the deep buzz of a powerful motor. Despite much practice with my hands, the only certainty for me is still my vibrators and you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that, nothing less “real”. An open-minded partner is happy to incorporate it into your sex life because they want you to enjoy yourself. If their ego can’t handle the fact that you need assistance to come, then they’re a whingy little tosspot. Sorry, it’s true.

Check your medication.

Since going off Prozac, I’ve found I can come a lot faster than I used to. Since going off the contraceptive pill, my libido is stronger. I’m not suggesting you go off your medication, I learned to come while I was still on mine, but it’s useful to be aware that they could possibly make things more difficult and you might just have to try a little harder.

Don’t give up before you really try!

Read about it, talk about it, practice every day but try not to stress about it (ok, easier said than done – I threw a lot of tantrums!) don’t be ashamed of your fantasies, don’t feel guilty if you need to take an hour to orgasm or have to use a jackhammer to do it.

There is a small chance that you’re someone who just can’t come and if you really think that’s you, see a doctor. But maybe you’re just one of us women who needs to work on it. A lot.

But don’t just take my word from it. I’m talking from my own tiny universe of experience. Every woman is unique and there is no “right” way to do this stuff… explore until you find what works for you.

Try to relax.  Try!

It kind of sucks that if you really, really want to learn to orgasm then it might be harder because you’re pressuring yourself. This was possibly part of my problem, I was obsessed with learning to come and the stressed me out at times, but I think that obsession also helped me learn. So, er, I don’t know. Go to someone a little less batshit insane than I am for tips on this one! The Scarleteen blog entry I linked to gives some advice on that one. 

Orgasms aren’t everything… but they’re sure as hell something!

Some people criticise the over-emphasis put on orgasm and to a degree that’s true – orgasm isn’t the be all and end all of sex. If you’re truly satisfied doing whatever you do, then that’s fine. Hell, there are some times when I don’t even feel the need or desire to come, I want to do other sexy fun things!

But most of the time I DO want to come. The build up just before an orgasm is awesome, the wave I ride during is fantastic and the feeling afterwards is something akin to basking in the sun with a giant fucking cocktail in my hand (heh heh).

Orgasm is healthy, orgasm is awesome. Perhaps orgasm should not be the ultimate goal of sex but it sure as hell is one of the most rewarding parts for me, perhaps because I had to work so hard to get where I am. It’s one giant fucking cherry on the top. Or two. Or ten.

29 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Jesus, I am not gifted in the art of succinctness. I hadn’t realised quite how huge this thing is.

Comment by Nio

Great post!

Lots of good info, thoughts & links.

May you continue to orgasm long, hard & frequently. :-)

Comment by Desertgirl

And same to you, lovely lady!

Comment by Nio

FABULOUS article. I was 21 when i had my first orgasm…and i’ve been addicted ever since. My mother never spoke of orgasm and i’m not even sure she’s ever had one. Hence, I felt obligated to speak of orgasm to my two daughters. The eldest, when 12 wanted to know how to masturbate and where her clitoris was..so we got semi naked and had a ‘show ‘n tell’ discussion in the bathroom. I wanted both of them to know that they were/are responsible for their own orgasms…they should never be reliant on a man (or woman) to give them one or many! I bought them both their first vibrators and when my eldest (20) gets back from Europe we’re going ‘vibrator’ upgrade shopping.
No, it wasn’t easy being so open about such matters with my daughters, but I felt a deep obligation to educate them so they could discover orgasm freely and without guilt or ignorance.

Love your body and let your it reward you with its wonderous gifts.

Comment by Suziwong66

Oh wow, that is so awesome that you were so open with your girls, really brave too!

I love the idea of girls having their first vibrators purchased for them by their mothers – that should be some sort of rite of passage thing! In fact, if I ever had girls I am totally doing that. How old were they when you bought them?

Comment by Nio

bless you! Your girls must be grateful 8-)

Comment by Joelle Eeckels

Succinct? You’re joking, right? This is EXACTLY the kind of post I was hoping for. Always keep in mind that being TOO succinct can compromise that certain hook that keeps the reader absorbed and eager to keep reading. This has that hook and it drew me in like a charm.

This is definitely an article that you needed to write. And you can read that last sentence with either an emphasis on “needed” or “you”. It is also an article that needs to be read by so many people in this world, who have such skewed ideas on these things. I applaud you, Lady Nio.

Comment by Lus

Thankyou Lus, means a lot!

Comment by Nio

“I love the idea of girls having their first vibrators purchased for them by their mothers – that should be some sort of rite of passage thing! In fact, if I ever had girls I am totally doing that. How old were they when you bought them?”

The eldest was about 16 and youngest 13yo. I got them both pne at the same time because i didn’t want the youngest to feel that she was being excluded from some kind of secret womens rite of passage.

Comment by Suziwong66

Awesome! :)

Comment by Nio

Hey Nio,

Keep up the good work.

My parents didn’t talk to me about sex when I was younger. At all in fact. I think when I was younger, everything I knew about sex from magazines and school. Do you think that explains why people are weird about sex? I mean, I feel kinda dirty whenever I enjoy myself too much. I think I’ve said too much. I don’t know, but whatever you do keep writing :)

Comment by Kitty

If you’ve said too much, then I’ve gone overkill!

“Do you think that explains why people are weird about sex?” I think there are many reasons people are weird about sex, but certainly that’s one. Actually, you’ve given me an idea for another blog entry so thanks for that.

I don’t think you need to feel dirty for enjoying sex too much… unless it’s a good kind of dirty that helps you enjoy it more! If nobody is hurt and everyone’s enjoying themselves, then I think you’re allowed to feel nothing but awesome.

Comment by Nio

You’re welcome.

Comment by Kitty

Awesome entry – I think this would be really useful to a lot of people. As with just about everything to do with sex, I think a big part of the problem here is that historically so many people have been unwilling to talk honestly about female orgasm, if at all. And just like all other aspects of sex, if it is talked about there’s always all this other hysterical cultural baggage tied in and dragging it down. So you’re awesome.

Comment by Wes

Thanks Deadly Wedley! You’re awesome too!

Comment by Nio

Great post!

I pretty much just went trigger happy and commented on all of your posts, but I like this new blog of yours. I also like the subtitles you include in all of them. It breaks up all the info really well.

It always freaks me out when people ‘figuratively’ describe their orgasms. Like when I read “Who here has had orgasms so good they thought they’d die? I do! Woo! Me! High five!” I immediately thought that “no, I’ve never had an orgasm that was so good it made me feel like I was dying”. Then I wonder if I’ve really reached my orgasmic potential….

But like you said, they keep getting better and I know I orgasm and I know they fucking feel fantastic, but there’s always a little doubt in me that nags and wants to ask “is there something better out there that I’ve been missing out on”…?

Comment by Olga Wolstenholme

Well thankyou very much lovely lady, all your comments were a pleasure to come home to!

And you know what? I was actually having second thoughts about saying that bit, because I have the same freak outs when I hear other people say such things!

Besides, orgasms are not some sort of contest and I worry I may have just been bragging there! And the way I experience and articulate these things might just be me. After all, one person’s “dying” could easily be another person’s “pretty good” you know?

I think it’s ultimately futile for us to compare the way we experience such things to the way others do. The best we can do is never stop exploring but also bask in the goodness we already experience.

I could not find a way to write that last bit without sounding like an absolute cheeseball! Please forgive me, I have a splitting headache and if that’s not a good enough excuse well please forgive me anyway!

Comment by Nio

Nah, it’s not bragging. The way we choose to express ourselves differ from person to person. I tend to emphasize all other emotions with grandiose expressions, but when it comes to sex it always makes me wonder. It’s just one of those situations where it’s so difficult to be specific about sensation when nobody feels things the same way.

Comment by Olga Wolstenholme

Don’t worry about succinctness–these things usually take long entries to explain anyway. You got it right, that’s what counts–and you’ve got the site up & running…another cool place for us to visit!

Comment by Pcobb

Woo! Thanks for the support, Pcobb!

Comment by Nio

A high five to fabulous orgasms!! That’s quite a journey you’ve had. Because of the huge choice, Net porn is a wonderful aphrodisiac, and it can help you tune your libido And, it’s very enjoyable!!! Anyway nice article, I think it’s great how you seem turn a shit situation into something fabulous, your gonna have to do a TED talk :)

Comment by Jake

Haha, you don’t ever want to see me trying to speak publicly!

Thanks for the ongoing support, Jake, appreciate it!

Comment by Nio

wow, I’m so glad you’re writing this blog. Your voice is most excellent.

Comment by justaperfectday

Ahhh thankyou so much miss! That means a lot coming from you!

Comment by Nio

I was 25 when I finally figured out how to make myself cum, and for such a sexually active, explorative girl, that’s surprising.

It’s funny, because every woman is different, and I always thought I’d like what women in porn like. . turned out I liked completely different things. So yeah, keeping an open mind is important.

Great post, grat blog. Blog roll adding – activate.

Comment by LetsEatCake

Just found another website about female masturbation and orgasm, looks pretty good so far: http://www.clitical.com/

Comment by Nio

I too didn’t orgasm until I was 22, and had been sexually active for quite some time. Even in the year and change since my first orgasm, I haven’t managed to do so often or reliably. My experience was very like yours, in that I couldn’t manage it ’til I bought a vibrator, and that’s still the closest thing to a reliable method.

I spent *ages* looking for something to this effect. Something for/about people who can’t/haven’t orgasmed even though they’re trying to. All I was able to find was the same generic stuff for teenagers who don’t yet know what a clitoris is. Very frustrating. I am so glad to know that this exists now!

I am also quite pleased to see it acknowledged that orgasm isn’t the be-all end-all of good sex. I’ve often had sexual partners get much more frustrated over my lack of orgasm than I am, because they can’t imagine that I’m having a good time if I don’t come. This couldn’t be farther from the truth!

Comment by Blair

“they can’t imagine that I’m having a good time if I don’t come. This couldn’t be farther from the truth!”

Absolutely! I can actually come most quickly and reliably when I’m by myself (less “stage” fright perhaps?) but most of my especially memorable sexual experiences have been when I’m with another person and often haven’t orgasmed at all but have nevertheless been incredibly satisfied.

Comment by Nio

so…………. I’m not the only one!

as you’re certainly fortunate my dear to have found Betty Dodson so early: I just found her 2 days ago and I can’t wait to try her 1st orgasm method, not that I never orgasmed but… long to explain. To make a long story shorter, I never experienced orgasm before… 53! And I wanted so much to know the feeling, questioning my friends unable to reply but getting some infos here and there tho’… like ‘unvoluntary vaginal spasm’… All I knew about my own sexuality was purely anatomic and about pleasure was a strange feeling when climbing the rope pole at the secondary school gym course and wet dreams I was making every other months and that were leaving me with a nostalgic smile on my face.

So 3 years ago, I had to undergo a 6 months-long chimiotherapy that gave me the time to use internet where I got a male friend sending me some porn. I never liked any X movies but discovered there a totally different world where I began to search for information. Interested by the g-spot & the squirt, my friend indicated me Tristan Taormino’s (Google her name) Smart Ass free teachings on video (unfortunately the ‘Guide to oral sex’ had disappeard), then very interesting videos about massages and multiple orgasms and much recently, I found burried in the middle of x tapes Jason Julius, the Californian sex guru -check his f/b page.

A year later and fully recovered, a girlfriend of mine gave me a vibrator -a little yellow bit with a remote control- and I began to search for sensations and it took me very long and frustrating hours to wake my never used clit -I had to laugh, mine’s not very sensitive either, but when it gets me there its mind-blowing! In fact, my clit wasnt born yet: one night that I was more excited and after a good smoke of weed (pot definitely helps) I felt the urge to caress myself. I was sort of ‘in transe’ when doing so, all the right gestures came naturally and my clit took a HUGE dimension. I already noticed it could do so but this time it didnt get back into its genuine puny feature any more thanks god! l was like living my puberty and my menopause at the same time, coz all my sexual persona emerged slowly -still is. I never thought my own smell could ever turn me on! Whilst keeping on watching porn with great shame (I dont have a computer in my room and I’m no more living on my own), I began to get turned on and to ‘feel’ the orgasms I was studying… Until that night of October 2010 when all at a sudden I saw a black and white flash in my head -now replaced by a long spinal shiver with all my hairs standing on my arms- and then immediately after a stream of deep vaginal spasms… I never felt anything SO GOOD in my life :-O

That was about a year ago now. I’ve got half a dozen of toys I dont know how to use yet coz I rely on my mini-Mystic wand to provide me mind-blowing orgasms, sometimes after 10 min (when very aroused) but more often after 45 min… or more or never: I have very frustating sessions where I want to throw my vibro away: I HATE to masturbate ‘for nothing’ coz I dont always enjoy to caress myself — I know since 2 days and after reading you its because I’m a new beginner so I will be patient. Now because it takes sometimes so long (a joint & a couple of hot vids + a bath + 45 min) I get stressed if I dont make it fast enough (I’m not living alone and my partner doesnt like my solo sessions) and then bored and then comes my inner chat again :-(

A week ago, when in my bath before a masturbation session, I felt the red nose of a clown (!) as I read one girl describing the g-spot… Could it be that? But I was almost unable to touch it and 3 days ago, back in my bath I took a dildo and I poked it strong then exercised my pc muscles around the dildo, changed angles and worked the frenulum as I saw most women do it and suddenly I felt a furious envy to pee, almost painful. As I emptied my bladder 20 min before, I began to think about ‘squirt’ so I pushed strong and there I was proprerly squirting! But no pleasure… what a frustration and a wonder. But after my bath, I noticed my skin was red, my clit all puffed and very much turned on… I was feeling really ‘weird’… Could that be the ‘orgasmic state’ Jason Julius is talking about? My friend told me it can last for hours where you can stop, eat and get back ‘cumming’ over and over again 8-)

But I’ve got the feeling now that I read Betty Dodson that I understood how it goes coz yesterday night I tried the circular gentle rub on my clit and kept on doing it with patience and enjoiying every little nervous tickling coming and… I think I’m getting slowly there! Unfortunately, I wasnt on my own and couldt get on with it… And for what concerns the vaginal orgasm, it’s all a question of 1) beathing 2) doing Kegels 3) rock the pelvis. Am I right?

Comment by Joelle Eeckels

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